Bryun Lemon
Several days ago, I found myself wide awake on the couch at 3 o’clock in the morning. I had just survived an intensely traumatic experience, and I’m certain the melancholy I was feeling was shock. This traumatic event came from a carefully placed Lego trap in our hallway. I discovered this brightly colored torture device at 3:00 am and announced to the darkness the four letters I thought should be used to spell LEGO (Hint: none of the four letters were L-E-G or O). After searching for the malicious piece of plastic to exact my revenge upon it, I limped into the living room to look closer at the damage to my foot. Based on the level of pain, I was certain I would find a 3-inch gash that would need at least 50 stitches and 6 weeks of physical therapy. What I found instead shocked me.
There was nothing there. No gash, no gaping wound, and no redness or swelling. Not even a lousy scratch.
I determined that there could be only one explanation for the woundless pain – the devil. Yep, Legos are a creation from the underworld…and now that I was wide awake from the hallway trauma, I was able to contemplate his nefarious scheme with greater clarity. My early-morning ponderings in the first few days of January got me to thinking about another invention from Beelzebub created to bring misery and suffering to millions – New Year’s Resolutions.
You see, resolutions are like Legos – We buy the marketing promises behind them, we believe they’ll bring us happiness, make us smile, and even get a creative spark going somewhere. And just like Legos, resolutions may do this for a brief time (usually about a week), before they cause intense and unseen wounds for an unsuspecting soul.
With the entrenchment of these evil creations into our society, the number of unseen wounds has become overwhelming and the time to fight the evil scheme is now! In order to fight this wickedness, I have put together a list of how to fight the Resolution madness and save your soul from a deep and unseen wound. This is the secret to fight the feelings of failure for not keepingresolutions each January:
- Don’t make any.
It’s a daunting list, but it works when every step is followed. You can’t cut out any of these steps and be successful in fighting the hidden agenda of the Resolution Regime! If you do everything on the above list, you won’t suffer the February Feel-bads that come from failed resolutions, your soul won’t suffer any invisible wounds, your friends won’t have to figure out what’s wrong so they can cheer you up, and you outsmart the prince of darkness by not playing his silly game. Ha!
As for the Legos, the only way to fight that evil scheme is to mail the indestructible plastic horrors to someone willing to brave the perils of storing them for you. PM me for the address.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!