Specific Goods Purchased by Grandparents now Banned

In a unanimous vote of 2-0 for ordinance 567-8-WDWA, the parent council of Lemonia has ruled it unlawful for children under the age of 16 to have in their possession any of the following parent-mood-altering substances:

• Red nail polish,
• Paint (watercolor or oil-based),
• Red or any-color-on-the-color-wheel nail polish,
• Crayons of any length or color,
• Colored nail polish,
• Markers or pencils of any color or type (including “washable”, permanent, semi-permanent or anything that has a fruity smell),
• Uncolored nail polish,
• Anything with glitter (especially nail polish).

Failure to adhere to these new guidelines will result in a mandatory 50 hour time-out for the offender and the responsibility of cleaning up any and all images created by these substances, either by the possessing party or a younger sibling who comes into contact with these substances through neglect of the aforementioned party.

Repeat offenders will be disowned and sold into a labor camp in some underdeveloped part of the world, and the proceeds of that sale will be donated to the Ace Hardware Repainting-For-Parents fund.

Be it also known that any grandparents who provide these materials to offending children may be sentenced to 500 hours of community service (the average amount of time required to pick up an ounce of glitter spilled on the floor). Duties of the aforementioned traffickers dispensing these substances may include scraping paint, glitter and nail polish off damaged walls, furniture and neckties. Repeat offenders will be required to do the 500 hours of service while listening to “Let It Go” being played on various Disney noise toys children are given by cruel grandparents while wearing neon-colored nail polish….on their clothing.

UPDATE: All gum is now banned as well. Offenders will be subject to having their heads shaved to match the heads of children who fall asleep with gum in their mouths.